On Burning Out
How I got here
Since May of 2023, after I’ve finished my bachelors in April of the same year, I’ve been working at a company. This is my first ever “proper” job as I’ve only had internships or worked on the side while being a student.
The circumstances for how I came to this job are a bit ugly, due to
circumstances mostly out of my control, but I’ve talked to someone on the team
and it sounded exciting: Embedded Linux, learning Debian packaging, developing
new software in Rust.
After this opportunity I submitted an application to the company for the
position of “Software Developer”. I talked to the manager and we decided it
would be a match.
Fast forward to today: I’m extremely unhappy.
Let me be clear: I don’t want to blame the company. It’s just not what I imagined. There are things that the company can’t control or foresee, not everything can be solved at a good point in time.
We are understaffed, barely anyone gets to write a line of code; rather we slightly maintain a, what feels like ancient, stack of software. It’s painfully obvious everything was written in a rush with a deadline in mind, and we need to see to it that it keeps working. There is work: Maintaining the distribution, packaging, some small bug fixing, adding another case in old software with minor changes for new hardware… but it’s hardly writing software.
The feeling of burning out
About one and a half years has passed since I started here. Saying I don’t feel fulfilled is an understatement.
Constructive criticism is tossed aside, pleas for more colleagues go unanswered, crippling software stacks remain in place, crippling any chance of actual development.
The mornings have me depressed, the evenings have me worn out, the nights
hardly feel restful.
Hobbies become a chore, no new friends are made, there’s no energy left to
visit old ones, family becomes an afterthought.
Every now and then there are some bursts of motivation to improve things. I act on this, but ultimately I’m throwing a bucket of water into a wildfire. Some thing improve slightly, most of what exists stays broken. Retrospectives are, at times, full of energy and hope. Sometimes they’re completely silent.
One sprint ends, another begins. There is light on the horizon: It’s another fire.
There is motivation in the team to change things, but there are no story points left for the sprint. Finally, some time to work on things. What’s this, another release? Time to put lipstick on the pig again.
A look ahead
It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been devoid of any motivation for anything. I’m lucky enough I have a very good colleague that made me aware of how I feel and I’m trying to change things for the better. The first step: a new job.
I am looking for something new, something where I can learn. Something exciting that makes me motivated to get up in the morning. Something where I can solve problems I don’t yet know the answer to. Something that makes me sweat in slight fear when I think about solving it. Something that has me excited to learn.